rants

it's funny how reality knocks on you,only when it is too late.no,it's not funny.it's frustrating.it's more frustating when you know that you won't get what you want,because there is no second chance.to be optimist,maybe it's not meant for me.maybe it's not fated,and i have to accept it.

but no.i still have this hope.this false hope.that maybe,it will come soon,the letter.and i dutifully check the mail everyday.eventhough i ,and perhaps everyone,know that it won't come.it will never come.but i refused to give myself in.and i cheated myself.i refused to think of any options.none at all.because the thought of my plans going downhill,just hurts me.hurts my ego.

when people asked about it,i kept mum.sometimes brave myself,and give a polite "soon".(and i refrained myself from saying hopefully).maybe that was just to reassure me,not them.that's what i always did -put on a brave front.

just a false bravado.

when in fact,i needed support.some reassurance.for someone to tell me to do something,just something worthwhile.

just so i won't have to sit here waiting,just waiting for my future to befall on me.

i'm thinking,whether i should just wait for it.
or should i just move on,go to ite,which i really don't want to.and then take a higher nitec course,and just move on with my life?
or should i go through the whole process of studying for my O's again,trying for the better.i'm willing to do it,but i fear my capability,my endurance,just to go through it again.

what should i do?

i don't have the answer now.and hopefully,i have it soon.

my future seems to be entangled in a mess.and i need to sort it out..

very soonest-est.

gahh.

no cheers today.

blah.